I hear a lot of griping from assistant professors about how difficult it is to get your first grant. Boy howdy! I had to submit mine twice before Kuffler had to intervene. I shudder to think what I might have done if I had to wait a third time for it to print dot matrix from our lab’s PDP-11!
Thank god Steve took care of business and “Several projections to the visual claustrum of cats” was off like a rocket. Bob’s third proposal (I don’t know how he wasn’t fired) flew that round too so we did many a line of coke off some stripper’s melons that night I can tell you!
Enough about me. How can I help you? Well you’re probably making some simple mistakes:
1) Talk to your program officer. I had my third R01 before I knew what a program officer was. I was so naive. I probably wouldn’t have gotten my fourth if I hadn’t figured out who they were.
2) Formatting. My first time out I thought these were more “guidelines” or “helpful suggestions”. Turns out they are real hardasses about this stuff. Maybe some of you are making the same mistake?
3) Have a hypothesis. For example, my hypothesis was “There are several projections to the visual claustrum in cats” This was suspected but not known. And the grant just writes itself from there! See how easy that is? Try it, it’s formulaic but foolproof.
4) Write defensively. Try to foresee the pitfalls! You need to put yourself into the mind of the reviewer. For example, when I review I have a lot on my plate. Between the hangover from last night on the town in Bethesda, trying to remember which of my frenemies’ trainees to screw and which to champion, and rocking out to Slowhand on my Ipod between reviews I’m primary on, I can make some pretty slipshod judgment calls. It’s your job to see them coming and evade them. It’s all part of the game. Whining about “but I answered that! It’s in there!” is never an excuse. Tell that to the next guy that reviews your grant.
5) Everything in moderation. I was young once and and I know all about you kids with the hippin and hoppin and bippin and boppin. At my most debauched I never wrote more than 60% of a grant high on mescaline. And I always, ALWAYS proofread sober.
6) Persistence is key. Like any Poisson process, all values are inevitable. Keep trying as long as your chair will tolerate your presence
7) Brawn. If all else fails, it’s important to have fealty to a strongman. Who’s your Kuffler?
If that doesn’t help, I’m not sure you’re cut out for this.
BGB out
bsdneuro.wordpress.com 